Getting used to it.

Well, we're all settled in to the emergency apartment. Looks like it's going to take longer than expected for the repairs. Apparently there was a lot more black mold then we expected, and also the walls are wet. This is not good. At least when it's done we'll have a bigger bedroom and some new dressers. We'll finally have a place for all of Shelby's many clothes!

Speaking of Shelby it's hard to believe how much she's grown so fast! She's now grasping things, and reaching for things. She will also sit up just by holding my fingers. She's crazy strong! I can't wait for a few more weeks when we can feed her cereals!

Life goes on

Well, today we're sitting in Military Family Emergency Housing. Don't worry, we're all okay. The basement we live in flooded just enough to ruin the floor, and cause mold to start growing. So now we have to stay here for a few weeks while the floors are ripped up and the mold is removed.

Thankfully none of our stuff or furniture was ruined. We're so grateful for that. It sucks that we can't be at home, but it's also nice because we're closer to our friends Shauna and Josh. They're great friends and seeing them the last couple days has been so much fun.

We're also thankful that my mother is in the military and that the military family resource centre was able to provide us with an emergency apartment for relatively cheap. :D

Shelby is doing amazing with the transition. The last couple days she hasn't even cried when she wakes up. She just looks around and makes little sucking noises. It's so cute. Then when I wake up she gives me these huge grins that just melt my heart. <3

That's all for now folks! Be back soon!

Christmas!

I love Christmas. It's my absolute favorite time of the year. I love buying/making gifts for people and I love seeing their face light up when they open it. It makes me so happy to see. This year I totally went overboard on Shelby. But it's not my fault!


Honestly, this year I had planned to get her a few small things for x-mas and that's it. However my sister had a baby in Ocotber, and she's the one going present crazy. Which brought out the mama-guilt in me. I felt like Rayleigh (her little one) was going to have so much more than Shelby, and so the buying frenzy begun! Still, it shouldn't have gotten so crazy. The important thing is that we're all together. <3 I'll learn my lesson and next year I'll be more sensible. Promise!

xoxo

New start

After thinking long and hard, and after the birth of my little girl, I've decided to put the focus of this blog more on life and less on death and loss. I think it's still important and it's a huge part of who I am, but right here and now, I am full of so much life.


It's been a long time since I last posted. I was still pregnant with my little miracle. She's now here with us, Shelby Abigail was born on September 19th 2010 after a long, brutal labour. I was induced 2 weeks early because I had Gestational Diabetes. She was born 7lbs 12 oz, and 21 in. It's hard to believe but my little pumpkin pie is already 11lb 3oz, and 23 1/4in. Time flies so fast I just want to write it all down while it's fresh! I think I'll post my birth story soon, but it's late and time for bed!

I just want to give some hope to the ladies suffering losses out there: For me it got better. It's never truly gone, but hopefully someday that hole in your heart will heal. I am praying for that day for all of you.

Much love,

One Month

Today I was on a forum I frequent, and I noticed a ticker. It was one of the girls who had been pregnant with me during my first pregnancy. Her baby is now 3 weeks old. Mine would be about a month, month and a half today. It took me back for a moment, and I couldn't help but feel this enormous sadness for my little one who never got to be. Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful to have this pregnancy, and I do believe God knew what he was doing when I lost my first little one, but today it just hurts that I would be a mommy to a one month old.

Coping

I don't know how I coped those first few days and weeks after the miscarriage. I was mostly in a fog. Traumatized by my treatment at the ER, and just sad and missing my baby that never got to be. To be honest I don't think I did cope. Basically I shut down. I didn't get out of bed much. I didn't cook or do homework (I was taking online courses). I was pretty much a massive ball of tears. My husband did what he could and I am still so grateful to him for it. He cooked, cleaned, cuddled with me. He tried to get me to be happy, and sometimes it worked.

Sometimes he just held me while I cried, and once, though he would never admit it, he cried with me too. I knew he was hurting as much as I was, but he was strong for me. It still makes my heart ache when I think about how much he is still hurting from our loss, even now. We both wanted that baby so badly, and to lose it was devastating.

Eventually things started to go back to normal. My family was a great support. His family after the initial condolences all but forgot it seemed.

Christmas was hard. I should have been 20 weeks pregnant, but wasn't. And then the rumours started about my husbands cousins. 'Oh, Cousin A is soooo pregnant, did you notice she's not drinking this year? She always drinks! She must be pregnant.' Right in front of me. I had to go to the bathroom and cry. And no, she wasn't pregnant.

Then in late december my husbands other cousin got pregnant by accident with her new boyfriend. For weeks we heard about it every time we visited. Eventually my husband told his family the reason we were leaving all of their get togethers early was that I couldn't be around the talk about pregnancies. Especially an unwanted one when I had wanted mine so badly. They all thought I should be over it already, but basically the talk stopped. It probably also helped that we stopped going there because I couldn't deal with it. I was still so desperately missing my angel baby.

Most days I was okay, but the smallest things reduced me to tears. Even so, we had started trying to conceive again after a full cycle had passed. The end of november marked the first cycle we started trying, so getting my period on December 23 really didn't help with all the Christmas stuff, and trying to put on a happy face and act normal.

Today I feel like posting good news..

I've been focusing alot on my loss because for some reason I felt like this blog needs to be chronological. So I've been holding back saying anything about my current pregnancy. I've decided though, that this is my blog, and I can say what I want, when I want. Haha. So here's a post about what's going on in my life right now.

Tomorrow we are going for our 3d ultrasound. We're pretty excited! We had one a month ago but the little one wasn't cooperating. We're hoping that now that she's bigger we'll get some better pictures. Hopefully anyway! She already has her own little personality I've discovered, and if she doesn't want to move, there's no making her shift to a better position! If all goes well, I'll post some of the 3d pics tomorrow.

The Waiting Game

**Warning: This post will contain graphic information about miscarriage. Please don't read this if you are squeamish!**

Thus began the waiting game. First it was waiting to hear from the ER. My husband and I went home, crawled into bed, and yet again I cried myself to sleep in his arms. We got home at around 11 or 12 I don't really remember. By about 2-3 I got a phone call from the ER. My blood work was back.

ER Dr.: Hi Andrea, listen your beta came back as 6,000 which is actually pretty good.
Me: (heart sinking) At 9 weeks my beta was at 15,000.
ER Dr.: Oh. Well if they've gone down this much then I'm pretty sure you're having a miscarriage. You should make an appointment with your family doctor on Monday to discuss it. We'll send her the results. Sorry for your loss.
Me: Bye.

And that's when I finally really understood it was over. Honestly, I knew it before then, but some little part of me was always holding out hope. Praying they were wrong and that my baby was fine.

I managed to get in to see my family Dr. on Tuesday, and she was heart broken for me as well. She'd been right there with me on our difficult journey to get pregnant, and she knew how much I wanted this. She booked me an appointment at the IWK with the Early Pregnancy Complications Clinic. I was to go in on Thursday.  Before I left she hugged me.

Thursday:

I had an appointment at 8 am. We got there and had to wait about 1-2 hours to be seen. After a pretty painful exam done by a student who apparently can't tell the difference between a urethra and a vagina, they told me the news. Even though I thought the bleeding was pretty significant, it wasn't. My cervix was still tightly closed, and I had "minimal" bleeding.

I had 3 choices. Wait and see if my body would take care of things, take misoprostal, or D&C. If I waited it could take weeks, it could take a month, it could take more. That was not an option for me. I wanted it over. I wanted to heal. I had gone in with the idea I wanted a D&C, but the nurse talked me into the misoprostal. I left with misoprostal and a prescription for tylenol 3's.

I went to the drugstore and filled the prescription. As soon as I got home at around noon, I inserted the misoprostal took a tylenol 3 and went to sleep. I woke up at 2:30 in horrible pain. I can honestly say I have never in my life been in that much pain. I knew it wasn't going to be sunshine and roses, but I at least thought the T3's would take the edge off. I took 2 more, and waited in horrible pain. I remembered the nurses said that if I was in pain that was unbearable to go to the ER. I called my mom to come pick me up and we went to the ER. My husband came as well. By this point I was bleeding pretty heavily. By that I mean that in the first hour we were there I bled through my pad and my pants. It still took them 5 hours to see me, and I had to yell at a woman who tried to cut in front of me in triage. I don't think anything is much more sad, and embarrassing that yelling "I was here first, and I'm having a miscarriage okay?"

I spent the 5 hours in horrible pain and having to try breathing through the contractions.

Eventually when the doctor came in he asked my husband and my mother to step outside. It was just him and a nurse in the room with me. He didn't speak english very well, or understand it because I had to explain what was happening 4 times. He then basically told me I should have expected it to be this bad and to suck it up. But just in case he would do an internal to check on things. When I said the contractions were the most painful thing I have ever experienced, I was mistaken. This was. At the time I was laying down, and had no idea what he was doing, but it hurt so badly I actually screamed a little. My DH then started banging on the door wanting to know what was going on. The doctor then explained he was removing clots with gauze. I can't believe how much this hurt, I was bawling and eventually he was finished. He then explained that he had removed several large clots, and that now everything should go easier. The doctor left. The nurse cleaned me up and got me a pair of disposable underwear. She then let me get dressed and I let my husband and mom back in. I was still in tears from the pain. I explained what had happened to them, and then we waited as instructed for the doctor to check in again in a half hour. He did, gave me more T3's and we left. I was still in excrutiating pain, but after taking a few more T3's I was better than before. By the next morning the worst of it was over. Physically anyway.

It's really happening..

My husband and I went home (we live about a 2 min drive from the hospital) and layed down to take a short nap. My husband held me as I cried myself to sleep. He just kept whispering that things could still be okay, and that we would get though this and he loved me. My heart was being ripped apart, but I still remember the love and tenderness in his voice as he tried to comfort me.  Eventually I fell asleep.

We woke up in an hour and a half, and got dressed to go to the ultrasound. I was already feeling a sense of doom. My bleeding had turned red, and it was more frequent that the night before. In my heart I knew I was losing the pregnancy. I just couldn't admit it to myself. I tried to get myself emotionally prepared to hear the worst. I thought I was all cried out. I thought wrong.

When we got to the hospital, I was told my husband couldn't come in with me. I had to go in alone. What kind of horrible policy makes a woman face the worst moments of her life completely alone with a stranger? It still makes me angry to think of myself, so helpless and vulnerable, having to get up the courage to walk in there, undress, get on the table, and lay there waiting by myself. My heart breaks for all the women who came before me, and those who will go after me. That is a feeling no one should have to feel alone.

The ultrasound technician came in, and did an internal ultrasound. I knew right away that something was wrong. She kept asking if I was "sure of my dates". Of course I was. Of course my doctor was! Then she brought in the radiologist who also did an ultrasound. He kept talking to the technician as if I wasn't there.

"Well, I see the yolk sac he said, and the gestational sac." No mention of a heartbeat, and I knew that by 10 almost 11 weeks if there was a baby, they would see it. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as they continued to talk. Not saying anything to me, leaving me to guess what they were seeing. My heart was shattering into a million pieces and my husband wasn't even able to be there holding my hand. I have never felt more desolate and alone than in those moments.

Worse still, was when they finished, and I had to walk out to my husband and pretty much tell him what they had said. He looked so hopeful when I came out, and I had to be the one to tell him I was pretty sure there was no hope. They made us wait in the waiting room, with babies and pregnant women while the radiologist wrote a letter to the doctor that I was then to take upstairs to the ER. A half an hour later we got it and headed over.

At the ER it took them an hour to get us in to see the doctor. I cried the entire time. My husband wrapped his arms around me and I lost it in front of the entire emergency room. Once we got in to the doctor we had to wait a few minutes and I was able to regain my composure. I thought for sure this time I was all cried out. The doctor came in, a young male doctor. He sat down beside me and told me what had happened.

Apparently I was having a missed miscarriage or blighted ovum. He explained that while all the support systems and the gestational sac had developed, that the baby had either died very early on, or had failed to develop. The gestational sac was measuring 6 weeks though, he said hopefully, that he had seen cases like these turn out alright. I burst into tears because knew without a doubt I was 10 weeks 6 days. There was no way my dates were off by a whole month. He said he would have a nurse come in to draw blood and he would call me that afternoon to let me know the results of the beta hcg test. I was still bawling. I cried through the whole blood taking, I cried all the way to the car.

I cried as I dialed my moms phone number and told her the news. Her and my father kept reassuring me that things would work out, and I kept telling them that they wouldn't. At one point my father, who meant well said "You need to calm down, just take care of yourself and that will take care of the baby." I just kept saying 'there is no baby'. I eventually calmed down, and we drove home to wait.

Just a quick one

Just a quick little post. I'm still here, just busy the last few days. I'm hoping to have time tomorrow to continue writing out more on the story of my first pregnancy. It's really important to me to get it all down. At the time I had started a journal, and I plan to go through it tomorrow to help me remember better. Not that I'll ever forget, but some of the pain has faded, and I'd like to write this with some of that fresh pain in mind.

Life

This is where I'll put all the posts that are just about my everyday life.

First hint

The first hint that something was wrong didn't come for many more weeks. I went about happily buying things for my baby: clothes, nursery decor, a bassinet. Things I would never do now in the first trimester, but at the time it was fun and exciting! Looking at baby things and picking them out! I even bought maternity clothing!

The first hint came late on Thursday October 22nd 2009. It was about 11pm and I was getting ready for bed. It was the latest I'd been able to keep myself awake in a long time, and I was exhausted. I went to the washroom, and I just happened to glance at the TP after I wiped. I noticed it right away. The brown smear. All of a sudden I was panicking. What if the mild cramping I'd been feeling wasn't normal? No, no, my doctor and friends had assured me it was. But what if?

I burst into tears. My husband heard me crying and he ran into the bathroom to see what was wrong. I stuttered it out through my tears, and through a fog I remember he got me to get dressed, grab my keys and my wallet and head to the hospital.

Once we arrived and got called to triage, I started bawling again as I explained what was happening. After that we waited for 5 and a half hours to be seen by a doctor. My heart was breaking, and by the time we got in to see the doctor, my spotting had picked up.

I was in such a fog that I hardly remember what happened. I remember getting a pelvic exam by a kind female doctor. I don't remember her name, but I remember feeling reassured as she told me my cervix was closed, and the bleeding was minimal. I remember her telling me that sometimes bleeding in pregnancy can be normal but that, just in case it wasn't, she would go book me an ultrasound for as soon as they could fit me in. A half hour later she came back to tell me to go home and get some rest, and come back in 2 hours for an ultrasound.

More to come soon.

Finding out I was pregnant the first time.

Here is an excerpt I wrote on a forum back when I found out I was pregnant the first time.

"I had just about given up when I got my BFP (Big Fat Positive) this month!! After 9 months of trying, and struggling we are finally pregnant! We had to take Clomid because of my PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome), and after 3 cycles of it, I just didn't think it was going to happen for us! But here we are!

I went to the doctor yesterday and had blood work done. It was confirmed this morning!

I told my parents last night. I gave my dad and mom a wrapped present. Dad's was a baby bib that said "I love my grandpa" and Mom's was a pink t-shirt I made her that said in blue camo print font "Sexy Grandma". My dad almost cried when he saw it. He then snuck out of the room while my mom and I were talking about it and showed everyone! Then he called my aunt and my grandma before I could ask him to keep it quiet for a few months. But he was so excited I let it go. Tonight we're telling my Mother-in-law with a tote bag that says "Awesome Grandma" on it. And here's the pic of the test!


It's faint but there. AF was expected tomorrow."

It's hard to believe that in early September last year I was just finding out I was pregnant. I was so excited, and while I was cautious as I knew my aunt had 8 miscarriages, I think I was still in that mindset that 'it won't happen to me'. It's so difficult for me to see my innocence, and wish that I still had that blind faith. I was so happy, and inside I was pleased that my family, especially my dad, was so excited about my baby that he told everyone even though I was only 4 weeks at the time. None of us expected what was coming, but that's another post.

For now I'll just say that telling my husband, and my family that I was pregnant was truly one of the happiest times of my life.

About Me

This isn't my first blog, but it's the first I've had in a long time. Basically since I was a teenager. If you're curious I'm now 25. I guess this is the part where I introduce myself and talk a little bit about what this blog is all about.

Hi. My name is Andrea. *waves*

Alright, now that we've established my name, let's talk a little bit about me. The biggest thing in my life right now is that I've just had my daughter. Well, not just, that was 3 months ago on the 19th of September. This was my second pregnancy, but it she is my first child. My husband and I had been trying since January '09 to get pregnant and after a lot of heartbreak and a miscarriage at 10 weeks last October, we're finally over the finish line (or the starting line depending on how you look at it. ;)

I want this blog to be a place where I can talk about the loss of our first baby, and really get that out, as well as this pregnancy, and my life with my new family. I also want to help women to talk about their losses. It was really hard for me to talk about my loss with anyone in my life because other than one or two people who had experienced it themselves, no one understood. To them I didn't lose a baby, I lost a bunch of cells. To me it was a baby, it was a whole future gone in the blink of an eye. I think if people understand that they will be more compassionate to those going through a loss.

I think that's a pretty good summary of what to expect! I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it.